Five Fifths Culture

This is Von Wafer. An off the bench rotational player who averaged 12 minutes per-game in his 6 year NBA career and only completed at least half of a season twice. He also played for 7 different teams during this time. Luckily for Von, the first trade took him from the Lakers to the Clippers so he didn’t have to move far.

A top high-school recruit, he finished second to LeBron James in the 2003 McDonalds All-American dunk contest. Without doubt this is an accomplishment he casually brings up in the barbershop and will remind his children and future grandchildren for years to come. Von may even be walking around with that trophy right now.

Von’s government name is Vakeaton Quamar Wafer. I don’t know what it means or how to pronounce it but I’m sure the person who gave it to him meant well. However, to grow up with a name like that you’re forced to develop an unshakable confidence during your adolescent years. Unfortunately for Vakeaton, that unshakable confidence came back to haunt him during an April 11th, 2011 game against the Washington Wizards. Here is the play:

Commentator 1: “A missed slam! And O’Neil called for double dribble.” Commentator 2: “Well he ran into his own teammate, or actually I should say Von Wafer ran into him. So back to back mistakes, mental errors for Wafer. Missing the dunk then coming in and distracting his teammate.”

The Von Wafer missed dunk is the, “Nick Young shoot a 3, turn around and prematurely celebrate” before it even existed. Fun fact, Nick Young was playing for the Washington Wizards in this very game. Coincidence? I think not. The universe was forewarning us.

Watching this play in my college dorm room was the first time I truly experienced secondhand embarrassment. 7 long years have passed and I think about the miss everyday. Let’s breakdown the debacle of a dunk into 5 separate acts.

Act 1: “The Takeoff”

Von is full steam ahead, setting us up for what looks like a SportsCenter Top Ten Shawn Kemp-esque slam. Cocking your arm all the way back is a risky move because if you don’t control the ball tightly then you may, well you saw what happened…

Act 2: “The Emphatic Jam”

Von’s thoughts as he lays the hammer down: “LeBron, you’re not the only one who can destroy a rim. I should’ve won that high-school dunk contest. Watch this.” The best part is the landing. Von believes he nailed the dunk as evidenced by his swaggerfied body language; shoulders and arms swinging back and forth.

Act 3: “Fan stare down and bumping into your teammate”

Glaring at the fans, mean-mugging the crowd, Von is basking in all the glory while his teammates are trying to salvage the possession. Basically playing 4 on 5 without Wafer, the situation can’t get any worse for Boston, right? Yes, yes it can. As Von returns to his job, he’s clueless to the live action that’s happening and slams right into his teammate Jermaine O’Neil causing a turnover. It would be a great defensive play if only Von played for the opposing team.

Act 4: “Pretend to be disappointed with exaggerated facial expressions”

This is my favorite part of the whole fiasco. You know when you’ve messed up so bad, and it’s completely your fault that in order to ease the deserved tongue-lashing you’re prepared to receive you make yourself look overtly disappointed and upset by contorting your face and taking deep exasperated breaths? That’s exactly what Von is doing here. He hadn't yet seen the replay and doesn’t actually know what went wrong. But he sees his coach’s face which is a combination of bewilderment and pure frustration and hears his teammates asking variations of “what the [expletive] are you doing?”. All he knows is the best thing to do is to look remorseful.

Act 5: “The Awkward Run-off”

My second favorite thing to happen in this missed dunk tragedy. There was a dead ball before this and every other other player is sauntering to their position. Meanwhile, Von begins to do the basketball equivalent of office busy work running to a random part of the court to mask the confusion he’s experiencing. In another video, the Southwest Airlines “Wanna get away?” voice starts to play because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do by running off like that.

Vakeaton, you accomplished what 99.99% of the world will never do, which is get drafted and play in the NBA. There is absolutely no shame in your light-hearted flub. Thank you for the unintentional comedy and relatable moment. I commit unforced errors at such an astronomic rate that I’ve become a professional apologizer.

Next time you have an opportunity to either play it safe or go up with the same confidence as the person who named Von “Vakeaton Quamer”, you do the latter every single time.

On any given night during the NBA and college basketball season, ESPN's Sportscenter's Top 10 has at least one insane dunk that brings basketball fans out of their seats. Dunks are one of the most exciting parts of the game. A posterize is when one player dunks on someone so bad that the victim of said dunk takes a few seconds to contemplate retirement. No shame, it's part of the game. For the fans and viewers it brings theatrical facial and body expressions. But, what if I told you that the best posterizing dunks aren't on ESPN? Nope, the best dunks I have seen are on the video hosting app, Vine.

The best Vine dunks aren't in million dollar arenas with superstar players and live TV feeds. Instead, these moments in history take place in random recreation gyms, with amateur hoopers, around a local crowd of friends and observers equipped with smart phones. No million dollar contracts, no trophies or championships, just good old fashioned pride and showmanship; the love for the game. However, there is just as much at stake in these showcases as there is for LeBron every NBA finals. These moments can make or break you in your local hood; get exposure or get exposed, fame or infamy, make a name or take a name. With that level of risk, this is why I respect the heck out of the Vine dunk.

Two years ago, I stumbled upon this one particular dunk on Black Twitter, the most important part of Twitter, the title simply said "Bang Bang". I had to check it out. What I saw pulled a vocal reaction out of me with something along the lines of "Oh shoot!". I leapt out of my seat, dropped my phone, then sent this video to most of my friends. What came from this video is two years worth of screenshots and memes. Without further ado, I present to you, The Most Important Vine Dunk of All Time.

There are 3 acts to this disgusting dunk. Act I, the set up and take off. Like I mentioned earlier, this is a humble gym with a couple dozen folk crowded around to see what's going to happen. As the young man dribbles the ball a couple times gathering speed and momentum, we see the brave defender ready to challenge the dunk. All looks normal as the guy with ball jumps in the air. But then...

Act II, elevation and contact. After the initial take off, the gentleman dunking levitates and climbs in the air an additional two feet; it's unreal. For a couple of seconds in the air it's as if he tells gravity, "I'm going to stay up here for a while". Then, there is the actual dunk on his fellow brethren. Dude A, the dunker, puts his knee directly in Dude B, the defender's chest and hops so far above him that he has to look down to even see him. A great dunk has to be disrespectful, and this dunk is just plain rude and dismissive. To add more difficulty to this dunk, Dude A slams it down with two hands, swinging on the rim, demolishing everything in sight.

Act III, the reaction. Black people reacting to big moments brings me nothing but joy. In the video we clearly hear a gentleman yell out "bang bang" as soon as the dunker pauses gravity. This observer already knows a crime scene is about to unfold and is trying to warn us. No later than the ball grazes through the rim you hear the spectators erupt in "aaahhh's and ohhh's". The entire gym is physically reacting; hands over mouths, grabbing their head in astonishment. Some people have to hold the person next to them to grasp what is happening. It's beautiful. But one young woman in particular loses her whole entire mind. The young woman shrieks like she's in a horror film. She is genuinely disturbed. After the young lady screams, she turns and unleashes from her friend's grasp, then proceeds to run for dear life because she can not physically handle the assault that just happened. 2 years later, I honestly think that she is still running.

Valid, completely valid. This young lady's reaction has genuinely enhanced my life. Whenever I need to explain to people the beauty of authentic black reaction and expression, I point them to this video. I hope you all will begin to look at life frame by frame. There are so many hidden gems to find when we slow down and soak in the present moment. It is so important to appreciate the small things.