Why Von Wafer's 2011 Missed Dunk Is My All-Time Favorite Missed Dunk

This is Von Wafer. An off the bench rotational player who averaged 12 minutes per-game in his 6 year NBA career and only completed at least half of a season twice. He also played for 7 different teams during this time. Luckily for Von, the first trade took him from the Lakers to the Clippers so he didn’t have to move far.

A top high-school recruit, he finished second to LeBron James in the 2003 McDonalds All-American dunk contest. Without doubt this is an accomplishment he casually brings up in the barbershop and will remind his children and future grandchildren for years to come. Von may even be walking around with that trophy right now.

Von’s government name is Vakeaton Quamar Wafer. I don’t know what it means or how to pronounce it but I’m sure the person who gave it to him meant well. However, to grow up with a name like that you’re forced to develop an unshakable confidence during your adolescent years. Unfortunately for Vakeaton, that unshakable confidence came back to haunt him during an April 11th, 2011 game against the Washington Wizards. Here is the play:

Commentator 1: “A missed slam! And O’Neil called for double dribble.” Commentator 2: “Well he ran into his own teammate, or actually I should say Von Wafer ran into him. So back to back mistakes, mental errors for Wafer. Missing the dunk then coming in and distracting his teammate.”

The Von Wafer missed dunk is the, “Nick Young shoot a 3, turn around and prematurely celebrate” before it even existed. Fun fact, Nick Young was playing for the Washington Wizards in this very game. Coincidence? I think not. The universe was forewarning us.

Watching this play in my college dorm room was the first time I truly experienced secondhand embarrassment. 7 long years have passed and I think about the miss everyday. Let’s breakdown the debacle of a dunk into 5 separate acts.

Act 1: “The Takeoff”

Von is full steam ahead, setting us up for what looks like a SportsCenter Top Ten Shawn Kemp-esque slam. Cocking your arm all the way back is a risky move because if you don’t control the ball tightly then you may, well you saw what happened…

Act 2: “The Emphatic Jam”

Von’s thoughts as he lays the hammer down: “LeBron, you’re not the only one who can destroy a rim. I should’ve won that high-school dunk contest. Watch this.” The best part is the landing. Von believes he nailed the dunk as evidenced by his swaggerfied body language; shoulders and arms swinging back and forth.

Act 3: “Fan stare down and bumping into your teammate”

Glaring at the fans, mean-mugging the crowd, Von is basking in all the glory while his teammates are trying to salvage the possession. Basically playing 4 on 5 without Wafer, the situation can’t get any worse for Boston, right? Yes, yes it can. As Von returns to his job, he’s clueless to the live action that’s happening and slams right into his teammate Jermaine O’Neil causing a turnover. It would be a great defensive play if only Von played for the opposing team.

Act 4: “Pretend to be disappointed with exaggerated facial expressions”

This is my favorite part of the whole fiasco. You know when you’ve messed up so bad, and it’s completely your fault that in order to ease the deserved tongue-lashing you’re prepared to receive you make yourself look overtly disappointed and upset by contorting your face and taking deep exasperated breaths? That’s exactly what Von is doing here. He hadn't yet seen the replay and doesn’t actually know what went wrong. But he sees his coach’s face which is a combination of bewilderment and pure frustration and hears his teammates asking variations of “what the [expletive] are you doing?”. All he knows is the best thing to do is to look remorseful.

Act 5: “The Awkward Run-off”

My second favorite thing to happen in this missed dunk tragedy. There was a dead ball before this and every other other player is sauntering to their position. Meanwhile, Von begins to do the basketball equivalent of office busy work running to a random part of the court to mask the confusion he’s experiencing. In another video, the Southwest Airlines “Wanna get away?” voice starts to play because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do by running off like that.

Vakeaton, you accomplished what 99.99% of the world will never do, which is get drafted and play in the NBA. There is absolutely no shame in your light-hearted flub. Thank you for the unintentional comedy and relatable moment. I commit unforced errors at such an astronomic rate that I’ve become a professional apologizer.

Next time you have an opportunity to either play it safe or go up with the same confidence as the person who named Von “Vakeaton Quamer”, you do the latter every single time.

Celebrating the Insecure Rapper

“I invented swag
Poppin’ bottles, puttin’ supermodels in the cab, proof.
I guess I got my swagger back, truth
New watch alert, Hublot’s
Or the big face Rollie I got two of those”

— Jay-Z

The opening lines of Jay-Z and Kanye West's debut single, “Otis,” from their 2011 collaborative album Watch The Throne. And if you listen to any radio station that plays rap, you will here a dozen more songs that go something along those same lines.

“They ain’t seen me cause I pulled up in my other Benz
Last week I was in my other other Benz”

— Kanye West

I love rap. I enjoy the hard hitting beats, the storytelling, the clever metaphors and wordplay, the uniqueness of rappers' voice and dialects (unless you're Desiigner), all of it. Rap is a sport and I'm drawn to its competitiveness. The stakes are high in a genre centered around knowing who's better. Rappers have to be hyper aggressive, tough, and self-confident in order to have a chance at "making it".

The egotism rappers exude is more than fun showmanship. Their brash is an attempt to immortalize and elevate themselves to legendary status. The ante is constantly being raised on who can be the most outlandish, flagrant and braggadocios. One of the boldest examples of this is on 2013's Yeezus. On a song titled, "I Am a God", Kanye West literally gives God a feature credit. I mean that is next level narcissism right there and I love it.

Excess and opulence are important themes in the vivid and imaginative lyrics of many rappers. It's all about obtaining colossal sized Picassos, putting 5 carats in your baby girl's ears, driving around with rims whose inch size match your age number. Whether it's cars, clothes, women, jewelry, or houses, the aim is to have as much as possible. Rappers are so infatuated with luxury, that you can point to over 20 songs in which rappers have compared themselves to Liberace himself:

“Liberace fingers, ni—-s hit Lorraine up”

— Pharrell Williams

“Diamonds shining, looking like I robbed Liberace”

— Dr. Dre

Paris, Hublots, Benzes, and of course, the women. In rap, the guy always get the girl; or at least they tell us they do. Even as I continue to confront my conflict with raps’ objectification of women, one of my favorite moments in rap history is on rapper DMX and Sisqo's "What They Really Want". DMX, in the most DMX way, raps and barks the names of 44 women he keeps on constant rotation in his Rolodex.

"There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia (okay!)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh!)
Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh!)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn!)
Cookies, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?!)
Tonya, Diane, Lori and Carla (okay!)
Marina (uhh) Selena (uhh) Katrina (uhh) Sabrina (uhh)
About three Kim's (What!) LaToya, and Tina (Whoo!)
Shelley, Bridget, Cavi, Rasheeda (uh-huh)
Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita (damn!)
Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda (WHAT?!)
Donna, Ulanda (WHAT?!) Tawana, and Wanda"

For fans, it can be hard to listen to music that is so far from your life. How many of us are throwing our Rollies in the sky, popping bottles in VIP, taking PJs (private jets) around the world and courting anyone we desire? We're constantly being reminded that we aren't where they are, doing what they're doing as fresh and cool as them.

“We were down in Pari, keepin’ it Eiflin
You was at home, keepin’ it triflin.”

— 2 Chainz

Rappers and their god like personas can create a distance between us and them. But good music is for the people, to unify us through shared experiences we can all relate to. The pictures these artists paint aren't real life. They are fun stories that take us to a fantasy land. The world isn't a 90's Puff Daddy music video; these guys have mo' money and mo' problems too. Even Yeezy comes clean in his classic song "All Falls Down" saying, "we all self-conscious I'm just the first to admit"; that's real, that's keeping it "one hunnid".

Rappers should feel free and safe enough to talk about their disappointments, their heartbreaks, their desires to change their circumstances. So let's give praise to the rappers who aren't "ballin", who don't get the dream girl, and who aren't the big man on their block.

Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By", Skee-Lo's "I Wish", and Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" are classic hip hop songs most casual listeners have heard at least once. While recognized for their mesmeric beats, catchy hooks, and savy rhyme schemes, rarely do people acknowledge the relatability of the stories told. Each rapper presents scenarios many of us have been in, but are too embarrassed to share. This is a unique gift and responsibility of true artists; to beautifully express the mundane, the normal, the commonalities with which we're all familiar.

1) The Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By"

"Passin Me By" has the quintessential 90's boom bap sound to methodically nod your head to. Hailing from my hometown of Los Angeles, California, Bootie Brown, SlimKid3, Imani, and Fatlip's articulated cadences make rhyming along easy. When I first heard this song at the age of 11, I ran home, printed out the lyrics, and proceeded to memorize every word. It is one of my favorite songs of all time and I still know every line verbatim.

Although the chorus clearly repeats "She keeps on passin' me by", it wasn't until recently at the age of 25 that I realized just how sad their love lives were. All of their crushes really do pass them by. The last verse in particular illustrates the overall mood of the song and plight of these fellows. It's here Fatlip puts his heart on the track while rapping about the dopest Ethiopian woman who simply won't give him the time of day.

Now there she goes again, the dopest Ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin in slow motion
when-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
Wait, no, i did not really pursue my little princess with persistence;
And I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
From a distance I desired, secretly admired her;
Wired her, a letter to get her, and it went:
My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you bout the feelings I have for you
When I try, or make some sort of attempt, I simp
Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp!
'Cause then I would let you know that I love you so
And if I was your man then I would be true
The only lying I would do is in the bed with you
Then I signed sincerely the one who loves you dearly, PS love me tender
The letter came back three days later: Return to Sender
Damn!

Poetry. We've all experienced rejection in some form. But it's not often that a rapper admits to being overlooked and disregarded by a woman. Already, his vulnerability is tugging at my heart strings. This woman is the apple of Fatlip's eye. He calls her his little princess, not some b---ch or h-- . Describing a woman you're fond of without using derogatory terms always gets you a win in my book.

Fatlip is so unassuming in his pursuit of this woman that in order to make this young woman aware of his existence he has to write her a letter. Compared to today's suitors who simply slide in your DMs or swipe you to the right on some dating app, Fatlip's efforts are impressive. His salutations are chivalrous and polite harmonizing, "my dear my dear my dear". To be honest, I'd probably marry the first person who wrote me a letter.

While writing the letter Fatlip gets introspective in his admiration for this woman. He admits that he hasn't been able to work up the nerve to approach her and calls himself a wimp and simp. These are fighting words in the hip hop community. Urban Dictionary defines a simp as "a man that puts himself in a subservient/submissive position under women in hopes of winning them over." Unsubscribing to toxic masculinity, Fatlip clearly does not care what you or I think about his emotions. He knows what his heart wants.

Finally, Fatlip builds up the courage to send off the letter with a "the one who loves you dearly" farewell. 3 longs days pass and what happens? The letter is returned to sender. As a listener all you can do is echo Fatlip's final line; a defeated and breathy "damn!". Sometimes you can't win for losing.

2) Skee-Lo "I Wish"

Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball
So how am I gonna compete with that?
'Cause when it comes to playing basketball
I'm always last to be picked
And in some cases never picked at all
So I just lean up on the wall

I wish I had a brand-new car
So far, I got this hatchback
And everywhere I go, yo, I gets laughed at

Intentionally or unintentionally, Skee-Lo is breaking black male stereotypes by airing out his perceived shortcomings; he's not tall and he's not good at basketball. Meanwhile, Ice Cube was still trying to convince us that he registered a triple double in a pick-up game. There is a historical symbiotic relationship between basketball and hip-hop. Every rapper wants to be a hooper and every hooper wants to be a rapper. This is a biblical fact. Fortunately and unfortunately, many have dabbled in both. 

In this case, the undersized Skee-Lo is not a basketball playing, hip hop rhyming double threat. And he believes these perceived limitations are holding him back from being a cooler, more prosperous guy. So doing what he can with what he has, he brilliantly creates a hit rapping about the things he wishes he had.  Most rap songs sound something like "Yo, I got this, yea I got that, of course I got her, and I even got way more of that". Skee-Lo does the exact opposite, saying "Yo, I wish I had height, I wish I had basketball skills, I really wish I had a girl and a '64 impala, I'll even take a rabbit in a hat". This would have been the perfect time for Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam the genie to appear.

I'm don't know if Skee-Lo ever got his wishes, but his song sold over 600,000 copies, went gold, and was nominated for Best Rap Solo performance at the 1996 Grammy's. He lost to Coolio's "Gangsta Paradise", but he was so close.

3) Biz Markie "Just a Friend"

So I came to her college on a surprise visit
To see my girl that was so exquisite
It was a school day, I knew she was there
The first semester of the school year
I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm
This guy made me fill out a visitor's form
He told me where it was and I was on my way
To see my baby doll, I was happy to say
I arrived in front of the dormitory
Yo, could you tell me where is door three?
They showed me where it was for the moment
I didn't know I was in for such an event
So I came to her room and opened the door
Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?
A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in the mouth,
I was so in shock my heart went down south
So please listen to the message that I say
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend

This is what us young people call "getting played".

Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" is a great karaoke jam. Released in 1989, before rappers were singing hooks and choruses, it's a 80's hip hop love ballad that I will always choose over LL Cool J's "I need love" which has aged terribly.

No matter where you go in the country, most people join along when they hear Biz belt out, "Ohhh babyyy youuuu! Youu got what I neeeeeed!".  A contrast from the tough guy role rappers portray, Biz's playfulness makes this one of the most lighthearted song's in hip hop. His infectious personality and fun rap-a-long style gains the affection of fans. This makes his predicament even more devastating. We love Biz, we are rooting for Biz, we want Biz to win and get the girl.

Being the consummate gentleman, Biz makes a trip to surprise his lady friend while she's at college. He probably has a nice romantic weekend all planned out for him and his lady; beat boxing, taking long walks in the park, making mixtapes on his boombox. You can visualize the whole thing. Yet, to his shock, he finds the lady he's been dating kissing another guy.

We don't know the dynamics of Biz and this woman's relationship, but he's soundly invested. And while she has the right to do what she pleases without his permission, communication could have definitely been clearer. Biz thought his lady was hanging with a platonic friend. She thought Biz was just another friend. You can't help but empathize with the guy.

After such a tragic ordeal, you wonder if Biz developed serious trust issues. But, as a consolation prize, Biz's misfortune has made him a fortune. This hit is still popular 30 years later and has gone on to influence music today. Taking Biz's advice, Chris Brown would go on to make an anthem reminding us that "these h--- ain't loyal".

Hopefully rap will continue to evolve and become more comfortable being self deprecating and despondent. Talking about our pain is a human right that helps us lead healthier lives. We all take L's, but what's most important is that you keep showing up for the game. Law of averages says that you're eventually going to win. Keep swinging.

“Last night took an L but tonight I bounced back”

— Big Sean