I love rap. I love the gaudy lifestyles rappers tell us they live; the propensity to "stunt". I love the way rappers adopt larger than life personas to support their fantasies. Rarely do I criticize artists for painting pictures that serve as an escape just like any other art form. However, there are times lyrics are so ridiculous and comical, you have to rewind the song to make sure you heard them properly.
I complied a list of some of my favorite impossible and impractical rap lyrics.
"Shake Ya Tailfeather"- Nelly, P.Diddy, Murphy Lee
Disclaimer, I'm not ignoring the misogyny, crudeness, and objectification of the female body, just pushing it to the side for the sake of this current topic. It's summer 2003, Bad Boys II starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence just came out and "Shake Ya Tailfeather" is the lead single for the movie's soundtrack. Diddy is going by his second moniker after Puff Daddy, and Nelly just shed his trademark cheekbone band-aid.
The first question Nelly asks this woman, "is that ya ass?" is rhetorical. Nelly is making way for his punch line because of course the backside is hers, who else's could it be? The second question, "Is your momma half-reindeer?" is the outstanding one. A reindeer booty, an old metaphor for a woman with a large derriere. Very funny, Nelly. Besides the fact that the question is silly, it's not possible for a reindeer and human to conceive and create a half-reindeer child; and then pass those genetics on to this young lady making her a quarter reindeer. Additionally, what type of response did Nelly want from this woman. Was she just supposed to smile and say "no, Nelly, my momma isn't half-reindeer".
"A Bay Bay"-Hurricane Chris
I don't know who or what we're hollering 'A Bay Bay' at, but I do know this song turns up at the function. The clap along beat and children echoing the chorus is super catchy. And as soon as the song starts and Hurricane begins his verse, he's "in his bag " as the kids say. Stepping into the club feeling on top of the world, nobody can tell Chris anything. With the club filled to capacity, the temperature is too high for Hurricane. So he does what any one would do, he takes his shoes off.
Coming from Louisiana and it being 2007, Hurricane Chris was definitely wearing a brightly colored pair of Air Force 1's, ankle-lengthened jean shorts and a XXL ProClub Tall T. And I'm having a hard time believing Chris would jeopardize his fresh just to cool down. Also, what about the socks? Are those coming off too? Once off, did he put his socks and shoes next to the bottles in VIP? Did he put them under a sofa? Or maybe behind the DJ booth? This sounds like a Dr. Seuss nursery rhyme.
Paramount to the safety of Hurricane Chris's shoes is the safety of his feet. He could step on broken glass, get stabbed by a high heel, or slip on a wet spot. Not to mention getting blisters from dancing too hard. Bare-feet anywhere outside the beach, pool, or your home is not safe or sanitary.
"Wait (The Whisper Song)"-Ying Yang Twins
Kaine and D-Roc of The Ying Yang Twins made an iconic party staple whispering over an entire track; never-mind the fact that this would be an ineffective way to speak to anyone in a boisterous club.
"Walkin' round the club with ya thumb in ya mouth". I believe they're trying to make this woman sound sexy. But there is nothing enticing about a grown woman walking around a dark club with her finger in her mouth. It's poor hygiene. We carry at least 3,000 bacteria from 150 different species on our hands alone (University of Colorado at Boulder). And guess what bacteria type we carry the most on our hands? Fecal matter; poop. So please do not walk around the club or anywhere in life with your fingers in your mouth.
"This Is Why I'm Hot"-MIMS
MIMS' "This Is Why I'm Hot" did in fact go platinum, selling a million copies. But not by being silent on a 3 minute track. If he were to say nothing on a track, would it just be an instrumental or did he mean complete silence? Because complete silence sounds like an experimental project Jaden Smith would do today. Jaden could tweet something like "But will you support my silence?" and his followers would immediately go download a 4 minute song with absolutely nothing on it and make it go platinum in an hour. Complex magazine, with their "high" journalistic and artistic integrity would then write "Why Jaden Smith's Silent Track Is More Important Than Nas' Ilmatic". Peak click-bait.
I do not condone theft of any sort. Remember, this is about nonsensical make believe lyrics. Instead, this is similar to when you're watching a movie about a bunch of guys planning a robbery and you end up rooting for them because their logic is so bad and you wish you could help them out. Like the classic film Set It Off, I'm simply intrigued by the story line.
With that being said, the order of this operation is completely wrong. Nelly and his crew should act like they are in fact purchasing the grill so that the jeweler puts his best effort into what is a very important cultural piece.
What may be even more perturbing than the fact that Nelly is planning a heist, is that Nelly thinks grills are made instantaneously. The jeweler has to make a mold of your mouth, order the diamonds, design and color them, then carefully place and set them. Making it highly unlikely for Nelly to get his grill that same day.
The second part is witty, but the first part "gimmie what you got for a pork chop" is confusing. Not in the most obscure parts of my mind can I guess what that means. Is it a prize situation where the girl gets a pork chop for dancing well? Even Rap Genius, which is the musical voice of God herself had no clue.
"6 Foot 7 Foot"- Lil Wayne
This post could be entirely made up of Lil Wayne lyrics. As creative as he's been, especially during his 2007-2012 dominance, he has said some head-scratching things. And if you question his lyrics, the Lil Wayne martians will say you just don't understand. I mean, remember when Lil Wayne was just mispronouncing words then saying "oops I mean" before saying the correct word and calling that a bar?
To have something "down pat" means to have something mastered or memorized. He's saying his swagger is so impeccable and "down pat" that you need to call it by it's original name. But "pat" does not originate from the name Patricia. In fact, the shortened name for Patricia would be patty. And I don't think that's what he wants us to call his swag.
Bonus: Anytime Lil Wayne says "Weezy F. Baby and the F is for Phenomenal"
How many young Lil Wayne fans failed spelling tests because they were using an F to spell "Phenomenal"?
Anytime Nicki Minaj tries to rhyme "Nah" with "Knives"
"Make Love"-Gucci Mane Ft. Nicki Minaj
The entire song is an enticing mess. Between Nicki and Gucci both, they are really pushing the boundaries of what makes sense. Gucci says he's going to spend a million dollars on his wedding cake and shares his mental health issues in a problematic comparative rhyme saying "you're more bipolar than me". In Nicki Minaj's verse alone she takes two bars off just to laugh and then tell us that she just took two bars off just to laugh.
Young Thug's Entire Verse On Drake's "Sacrifices"
Drake has a particular rhyme scheme on "sacrifices" that flows like this: "Lost millions in the past, I'm talking maybe like 8". And when Thugger borrows it for his own verse, it just doesn't resonate the same. At one point, trying to expand his creativity, Young Thug says, "I’m talkin' neat like freak" followed by other lines that make absolutely no sense.
Historical: "Wanna Be Startin' Something"- Michael Jackson
No "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' isn't a rap song, but MJ is ingrained in the fabric of all music. He's also every black person's cousin. And a lot of us grew up hearing and dancing along to this phrase without knowing what the heck it meant. Turns out The King of Pop stole the line from Cameroonian musician Manu Dibango and his song "Soul Makossa".
What really makes no sense is the fact that someone made a 10 hour YouTube clip of Michael Jackson singing "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa" over and over again. Feel free to check it out: